Several months ago I went to dinner with my husband and some friends. We were at a supper club and sharing a table with an older couple. Because we were late our friends had started to tell the other couple about us and as I settled into my seat I overheard them talking about my husband. Maybe because it had been a while since we saw each other and he wasn’t sure of the exterior details we usually use to introduce people (job, education, hobbies) or maybe he just knew that I needed to hear something else that evening so that I could right this article but our friend didn’t talk about the superficial things. He didn’t mention my husband’s job or where he got his degree from or even that he had any kids. Instead he talked about the kind of man that he is, not as a husband or a father but as a friend. He talked about how straight forward my husband can be and how funny and said that he was the kind of man you wanted to be around because he would make you a better man too. As he kept talking I couldn’t help but think “If I wasn’t already married; I would really want to date this guy!”
It’s not that I don’t know these things about my husband but in the hustle and bustle of daily life as parents and spouses there is often little time set aside to appreciate the other aspects of who we each are outside of those primary roles. As individuals we are a compilation of many different parts- parent, spouse, friend, worker, sister, brother, volunteer, boss, coach; this list goes on and on and each of these facets is an important piece of who we are as a whole. There is a theory in learning that suggests that in order to really know something you must first understand it from multiple perspectives. I believe the same applies to in marriage. In a blog post I recently read, Scott Young, an author and entrepreneur focused on holistic learning, quoted cognitive scientist Marvin Minsky as saying:
“If you understand something in only one way, then you don’t really understand it at all. The secret of what anything means to us depends on how we’ve connected it to all other things we know. Well-connected representations let you turn ideas around in your mind, to envision things from many perspectives until you find one that works for you.”
To truly know and love our partners we must learn to honor all the nuances that make them who they are. Your wife may be an overachieving leader at work and a sensitive, even fragile, soul at home or maybe you are a gentle father with your kids and a hardcore biker while out with friends. While these roles may seem like contradictions, they are all part of the same whole and each side needs to be recognized if you are to truly have the deep emotional connection that we all want in our relationships. It is the juxtaposition of these different personas that make each of us interesting and create the attraction that often brings couples together in the first place.
But as everyday life sets in, it is easy to ignore entire aspects of who your partner really is. Couples settle into a routine of daily life in which they only interact with each other within certain roles. They parent together or they become comfortable in their role as husband and wife, leaving many of their other “parts” at the door. Whether intentional or not, ignoring certain parts of our partner creates vulnerabilities in our relationships, opening the door for emotional disconnection, increased conflict, and sometimes even infidelity.
Often spouses will say that they don’t feel as though their partner really “sees” them or understands them anymore. What was once new and exciting seems boring and routine. As Scott points out in his article, when we are young we are excited by the possibilities of learning; in part because everything is new but also because we don’t have any rules about how to learn or what to do with the things we learn. Kids don’t put limits on how things might work or new ways to understand concepts. Those limits don’t come until years later as outside messages and well-meaning educational systems begin to intervene. And the same is true in our relationships.
In the beginning it’s new and we don’t place constraints on the ways in which we can show our love and understand our partners. Over time we stop trying to learn more about one another and rather than really see how we each have grown, we simply begin limiting in our perceptions of one another to whatever we already know. Just like many middle and high school students, we stop trying and rely on the basics that we learned so long ago. But as our friend Scott Young reminds us- finding new ways to see things gives us the power to also find new ways make it work for us. When conflict arises, try to see that old fight from a new vantage point, you may be amazed at how it can open up new doors for solutions you didn’t know existed. And if your relationship with your spouse is feeling stagnant, maybe it’s just time to get a refresher course on who they really are and start sharing more of who you are too. Because marriage, like learning, is always full of exciting possibilities but only if you are willing to look for them.
At the start of 2010 I adopted a theme for the year. A single concept to help direct my projects, personal and professional, as well as a guidepost to help me get centered again when life got overwhelming or out of control as it inevitably does. My theme for this year is compassion. It’s a simple idea really, but I have found that not only has it helped lend some order to my otherwise crazy life, it has become an essential theme to my clinical work with married couples.
So, what is compassion exactly and how can it help bring harmony, joy and a deeper love into your marriage? Let’s start with the definition: “Compassion is an emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another’s suffering.”
In simple terms, compassion is empathy in action. So then what is empathy, really? For many of us, empathy is a sometimes-elusive concept. Similar to sympathy, empathy takes us from feeling bad for someone’s predicament to a place where we actual put ourselves in their shoes and feel what they are feeling as if it were happening to us.
I think Actress Rosie Perez explained empathy for husbands best in the movie “White Men Can’t Jump” when she said, “When your wife is thirsty, empathy says, ‘I too know what it is to thirst.’
Compassion says the same thing and then gets up and gets her a bottle of water. If empathy is to feel another person’s suffering, compassion is to feel it and then try to comfort them as if their pain were your pain. Simple enough, right? Well not exactly.
Compassion is not about fixing. It’s about understanding and comforting. For many husbands hearing their wife’s complaint about a co-worker or a problem with one of the kids, triggers their inner “fixer” and they immediately offer solutions or make decisions to solve the perceived problem. These poor guys and gals (there are “fixer” wives out there too) are missing the most essential key to a compassionate marriage—understanding. Compassion begins with understanding on an emotional level, the reason for our partner’s suffering. The trouble is that understanding our spouse means that they have to understand the root oftheir suffering first.
Recognizing Compassionate Moments
Now I know that suffering may sound like an extreme description for a tough day at the office or a minor misunderstanding between spouses, but I use this word on purpose. When we are stressed, overwhelmed, upset or emotionally disconnected from our loved ones (even briefly), the emotional response is one of suffering. It is real and it is powerful and the first step to truly understanding our partner and ourselves is to acknowledge the magnitude of “minor issues” on our well-being. The interesting paradox is that the more compassionate we are with ourselves, the more we begin to appreciate that everyone around us is suffering too, and suddenly we are more compassionate with everyone.
For many, the most difficult part of living more compassionately is learning to be compassionate with ourselves and trusting that our partners will do the same. How many times have you gotten into a debate about who had a more stressful day at work? Husbands and wives are not bickering over who has a tougher day because they really think that one of them will win, there’s no prize for having the crappiest day. They are fighting for the right to be comforted. It is as if we believe that only one person can be comforted at a time and we must fight to claim it for ourselves. There are not a limited number of spots for compassion or special criteria you must meet. There isn’t a shortage of comforting unless we create one. The unfortunate reality is that suffering is everywhere and with everyone. And just as suffering is in endless supply, fortunately so is comfort and compassion.
The trouble is that we are often taught to minimize our problems. We compare our issues to someone else’s and feel that we are not worthy of compassion because our problems aren’t that bad. We tell our children, and ourselves, to stop complaining because someone else is worse off than you. How often do you chastise yourself for feeling upset about your husband’s lack of help around the house when you know that your neighbor’s husband just moved in with his mistress? This is a common response but it keeps us stuck. When we force ourselves (and our spouse) to defend our experience of suffering we build resentment and create a cycle of increasing pain. In order to move forward we must learn to shift from a mentality of shortage to one of abundance. Just as there is an abundance of pain there can be an abundance of love and understanding but we must begin with ourselves.
Putting Compassion Into Action
Of course there are degrees of suffering. Your frustration with your husband’s lack of bathroom cleaning is not the same as someone else’s struggle with infidelity; but dismissing your experience as unworthy of compassion sets you and your spouse up for even greater distress. Many times we think that by allowing ourselves to feel upset or sad or hurt by minor issues (however you choose to define that) we are being self-indulgent or giving power to these experiences. The truth is that our pain gets its power from our denial or minimization of it. Like a small area of mold in your basement, left untreated our pain only grows and spreads, it will not resolve itself without our attention. When we validate the suffering in our lives, no matter how small or “insignificant” they may seem, we are suddenly able to accept the comfort we so desperately seek and let it go. Moving on means first acknowledging where we are.
When you can gently acknowledge that your suffering over the dirty bathrooms is real, you are then able to go deeper and learn to understand more about yourself. Maybe the pain about housework is just a tangible example of loneliness you feel when your husband is preoccupied and too busy to take care of you and the house. By being compassionate with yourself first, you can help your husband understand that experience, enabling him to offer comfort to your emotional pain rather than solutions to the physical problem of a dirty toilet. Hiring a cleaning person to clean bathrooms once a week in not likely to alleviate your sense of abandonment; however hiring someone and then using that time to go on a date together could give you the comfort you seek, and keep those toilets sparkling.
This is where the magic of compassionate living happens, as you learn to be compassionate with yourself, you create a space for your spouse to be more compassionate with you. If you can learn to look at each other with compassion rather than competition, you will find that there is more than enough to go around. And as you learn to stop fighting for comfort your suffering is relieved and you are better able to offer your spouse the compassion that he seeks. And so a new cycle begins, one of understanding, validation, and loving connection. A compassionate marriage is built on the idea that everyone experiences some level of pain everyday and that by honoring that and seeking to really understand it you can grow closer to one another. And together, you can create a life and relationship in which you are able to put empathy into action and love each other more fully.
If you are a regular reader of this blog then you know that we are passionate about compassion, particularly self-compassion as a way to strengthen relationships and lead a more fulfilling life. It is my belief that compassion is the core of truly loving ourselves and others. But what do you do if you are struggling to be compassionate? Maybe you grew up in a family that was not emotionally available or accepting, or you’ve had relationships that were abusive and damaged your self image, or maybe you don’t know why but there is a voice inside that says you are not good enough or worthy of unconditional love. Far too often we attempt to fill this void with things or other people with no success. What many of us need is a place to understand what that emptiness is about and then a nurturing, compassionate support system to help you begin to heal it. That is what therapy can do. A good therapist can offer you a safe haven in your life to take stock of your flaws and your emotional wounds in an effort to move on. As we often say at Group Therapy Associates, “everyone can use a little therapy” but maybe you aren’t convinced that your problems are “big enough” or “worthy” of the investment or that therapy can even help you. In those times it is useful to devote some time to evaluate where you are in all the areas of your life before you decide what to do next. Paul Brunson of OneDegreeFrom.Me offers 3 tips you can do on your own to begin the process of loving yourself more fully. Check out his vlog below and then tune in tomorrow afternoon to Everyone Could Use a Little Therapy, our BlogTalkRadio show tomorrow at 4:30 pm EST to hear Paul live chatting about dating, relationships, and learning love yourself and your partner. Don’t forget to call in live with your questions to 917-889-8994 or email them before the show to therapy@grouptherapyassociates.org.
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for tuning into our first episode of Everyone Could Use a Little Therapy on BlogTalkRadio.com this afternoon. Llouana and I had a great time chatting about the joys and hurdles of adolescence. If you were not able to catch us live, you can still listen to the archived recording online. Visit our homepage or our Blog Talk Radio show page to access the player.
We can’t wait to get back on the air July 13 when we will talk with Paul Brunson from One Degree From Me about dating, love, and keeping the passion alive in your relationships. Don’t miss what is sure to be a fantastic show.
On today’s show we mentioned a number of different resources and as promised, they are listed below.
Worried About a Moody Teenager? (This is an excellent article in the Wall Street Journal for every parent, caregiver, and teenager to read on identifying the red flags of mental illness in adolescence.)
Be sure to check out our post of web resources for teens. It includes site with advice and information on everything from puberty to nutrition to sex to friendship. A great to list for teens and parents alike.
If you are in the Northern Virginia/Washington DC area, please call our offices if you are looking for a therapist. Even if our offices are not convenient, we are always happy to refer local inquiries to many of our excellent colleagues in the area. If you are outside of our local region, check out some of the online therapy directories listed below as a starting point for finding the right professional for you.
It might sound crazy, but having rules just might be the most important step toward developing an unconditional love for your spouse.
In the early stages of marriage many couples would say that their love for one another is unconditional. There is much talk of loving each other regardless of flaws and finding the “perfect partner.” I know that some experts may disagree with the idea of unconditional love between partners—citing issues of co-dependency and enmeshment—but in my view, a great marriage has an element of love and affection for one another that supersedes any faults or flaws. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I believe that love, even between spouses, can and should be unconditional.
Unconditional love is the idea that our affection for each other is not based on a certain set of behaviors or characteristics. It’s the idea that you love your wife because of who she is not only if she stays a size six or cooks dinner every night. It’s the kind of love that engaged and newlywed couples believe in. Unconditional love is the kind of love that you have for a person not in spite of but because of their flaws. Your love is all that makes them who they are and wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s blissful and wonderful until real life starts to intrude.
Rather than talk about the way they want to treat each other and the set ground rules for managing conflict, couples usually start out too drunk on love and lust to pay much attention to the logistics of sharing a life. Unfortunately, in time we all sober up and suddenly realize that we don’t necessarily like everything that’s been going on. Suddenly what was cute or quirky is irritating. Your wife’s ambition, which was once sexy and powerful seems arrogant and self-serving. Or your husband’s attention to detail may suddenly seem like nit-picking and controlling. This is the moment where couples start to wonder what went wrong. How could someone who loves us unconditionally find fault with who we are? The problem must be with love… right? Maybe not.
The common assumption is that the love has changed, that our spouse no longer loves us unconditionally, but that’s usually not the case. The truth is that most couples I meet at this point are just as in love with each other as ever. The problem is not that their love has changed, but that the rules of the relationship were never established or are in need of an update. You see, while love can be unconditional, healthy relationships need rules.
I know, this seems counter-intuitive to that stars-in-your-eyes, heart-pounding, life-changing love that once dictated your behavior. The fact is that relationships need boundaries in order to sustain the stress and challenges of life. I often compare the need for boundaries or relationship rules with parenting. In general, parents love their children unconditionally, but in order to raise children there must be rules. This is how we teach them to get along with others and learn to understand their place in the world. Rules or boundaries allow a child (or a spouse) to clearly understand how to have positive interactions with the people they love and how to effectively express their needs. The happiest, most secure children are those who live with parents that are comfortable and clear in expressing their love and expectations. Intimate relationships, like marriage, need the same guidance to create a secure and lasting bond.
Boundaries are simply rules of engagement, a set of guides for how we interact and what we need from other people. Boundaries allow each person to maintain their individuality and grow with each other rather than compete for control or autonomy. Boundaries also protect the commitment of a marriage and foster long-lasting, healthy emotional connections. It is healthy boundaries with the outside world that help some couples remain faithful while others may struggle with issues of infidelity and distrust. Boundaries also protect individuals in the relationship from abuse and exploitation. While you may love your spouse without conditions that does not mean you ought to live with them in an unsafe or emotionally detrimental situation. Boundaries allow us to love freely and deeply while establishing a clear understanding of what is acceptable.
Your Path to Unconditional Love
So how do we keep our deep and unconditional love while establishing clear and healthy rules for our relationships? Open communication and honest personal reflection are key. Whether it is negotiating how you will manage your finances or understanding how and when you need to be comforted and encouraged, establishing relationship rules requires both partners to be open and honest with themselves and each other. These moments of honesty and clarity are not always going to come in the form of civil conversations or carefully negotiated lists. Sometimes, these moments are unexpected and the things you learn are not always what you want to hear. If you can take the risk to be honest and vulnerable in these times, you may find the key to move your marriage forward in a positive way.
A favorite marriage moment for me in which my husband and I established rules around maintaining our home life came when, in the midst of an argument, I accused him of not being as much of a “modern” man as he claimed. In a moment of frustration I told him that he wanted an old-school wife that would stay home and cook and clean for him, not an equal partner as he always proclaimed. I said he was a chauvinist and truly expected him to be offended and defend his prior commitment to having a modern marriage where we shared everything 50/50. Instead, I got a moment of honest communication. Much to my surprise I was right and had just put words to what he had been struggling with for some months. He suddenly realized that he needed to be honest with himself and me about what he really wanted in our marriage.
It turns out that what he really wanted was for me to play a more “traditional” role at home; not exactly a role that fit with the very independent, modern feminist woman he married. That doesn’t mean that I quit my job and stayed home ironing shirts all day to fulfill his desire. Nor did I pack my bags and leave to find someone who wanted a wife that would rather pursue graduate school and a career than mop floors and change diapers. Instead, we finally had an honest platform from which to negotiate our own rules about how we would manage our domestic and family responsibilities.
Interestingly enough, we both learned more about who we really were in the process. It turns out that I am more traditional than I thought and thoroughly enjoyed staying at home with our children, while going to school and pursuing part-time ventures. He found that he was, in fact, a lot more like the guy he claimed to be when it came to diaper changing and taking care of children. Thankfully we learned these lessons together and were able to be supportive of each other’s goals and needs. No matter where you are in your relationship, the unconditional love can last a lifetime. All you have do is make it part of the rules.
Several months ago I went to dinner with my husband and some friends. We were at a supper club and sharing a table with an older couple. Because we were late our friends had started to tell the other couple about us and as I settled into my seat I overheard them talking about my husband. Maybe because it had been a while since we saw each other and he wasn’t sure of the exterior details we usually use to introduce people (job, education, hobbies) or maybe he just knew that I needed to hear something else that evening so that I could right this article but our friend didn’t talk about the superficial things. He didn’t mention my husband’s job or where he got his degree from or even that he had any kids. Instead he talked about the kind of man that he is, not as a husband or a father but as a friend. He talked about how straight forward my husband can be and how funny and said that he was the kind of man you wanted to be around because he would make you a better man too. As he kept talking I couldn’t help but think “If I wasn’t already married; I would really want to date this guy!”
